Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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