saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my shit smells like andre
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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