You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I AM VODKA MAN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
