someone threw a dead crab at me
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think i got beer on your cat.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
