Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
