Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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