someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
