Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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