Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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