I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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