Please, let me fuck your mom
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
