We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
