I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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