It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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