Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
