I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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