I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
