I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
