Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
