My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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