If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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