He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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