from now on my penis is your penis
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
