we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
