FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
