Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Welp...herpes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
