I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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