Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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