I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
