and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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