ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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