Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
