yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
