I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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