Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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