Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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