I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
