apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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