Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
