she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to sanitize my soul.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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