Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
