Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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