if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
