"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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