I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
