If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
