another moral hangover. fuck.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
