youre lurking in front of me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
