Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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