I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
