1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
