The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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