Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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