i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
