Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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