Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
